Hey Everyone,
Here's my entry for the Holiday Query Blog Hop:
Dear Agent,
On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper.
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside.
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide.
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for.
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service, the two searches for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel at 56,000 words. It is told in a dual third person point of view.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Nicole Payne
Here's my entry for the Holiday Query Blog Hop:
Dear Agent,
On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper.
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside.
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide.
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for.
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service, the two searches for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel at 56,000 words. It is told in a dual third person point of view.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Nicole Payne
I don't know much about the romance genre, but 56k seems a bit low. This didn't really speak to me, and I think it's because it seems a little vague. I don't really have a sense of who the characters are, except that Daniella seems really stressed out and Detective Jones seems, well, stockish. Try working more of the characters' personalities into the query - what makes them tick, and how does it relate to the story? Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteDear Agent,
ReplyDeleteOn Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail {Given the age of the protagonist, you may want to classify this as New Adult romance} . And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper. {I think your first two lines are great. Great hook and it made me laugh}
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside. (I think this is good as well, we know why she wants to hide 'the stripper' from the neighbor....I would tighten up the language at the beginning of the paragraph. Like, Daniella has plans to have a relaxing etc. When she finds out that her best friend was sending a stripper to her house, she freaks... That way it's in order of the events as they take place and clearer - just a suggestions)
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions (be specific, what actions land her in jail?) land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide. (This seems out of the blue, tell us a bit more? Why is she suddenly a suspect?)
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. (maybe this is the paragraph to explain why she's a suspect, when you're talking about the detective?? Not sure, just a thought) Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for.
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service (serve? or uphold? or service doesn't seem like the right word here), the two search (delete -es) for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail. (I like the last line - you tie it to the beginning)
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel at 56,000 words (this seems short to me as well, but when I looked it up on "Literary Rejections'" website they say romance 40 000 + , so what do I know ;)). It is told in a dual third person point of view (Do you need this? If this is a turn off for some agents [some people have major hang-up about POV etc.), they may not even request it. However, if they don't know and they start reading your manuscript and like it, they may overlook it.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thanks for sharing Nicole and best of luck. I think for the genre, it sounds like a fun story. I think it would appeal to a lot of the readers of the genre. Again, I thought your hook line was great.
Great premise! This query is very straight-forward and I can see immediately what the suspense in the story is. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThere is some tightening up you can do on the sentence level, for example: "to help spice up" -- you don't need help here. "who maybe more trouble than she looks" -- who IS more trouble...
You may also want to throw in some personality details about the characters that make them jump out a little more. I don't know anything about Daniella besides she works in law, and the cop besides he's bound to his duty.
Specific line comments:
On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper. [Great opening! The hook is immediate.]
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. [Stripper is repeated in two sentences in a row.]
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. [don't abbreviate PD. I would describe what she does rather than say 'forward actions'. I also don't think "By" is the right word here.]
But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide. [This is a giant leap for me, from accidental funny situation to homicide. We need a reason/detail explaining why, otherwise it's too disconnected for me.]
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. [Missing an "is" here: "who maybe is". This change in POV also throws me off.]
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service, the two searches for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail. [The two "search". This ending line is perfect and wraps it up really well.]
Hey hey, #48 on the Holiday Query Blog Hop here to crit! I’m going to go line by line (crits are in curly brackets) and here’s what I think:
ReplyDeleteDear Agent,
On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper. {HA! I like it so far}
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor{delete the extra space here} –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside. {This does make me wonder why a cop was there in the first place}
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions {This word choice is confusing me. First it says she mistook him for a stripper, then it says she freaks because she doesn’t want her neighbor to know and drags him inside, but then she’s feeling him up. She goes from not wanting him to wanting him very, very fast and I don’t see the logic or progression of emotion/desire} land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide. {I would like to know this detail a little sooner in the query}
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks {I like this sentence a lot}. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for {I like this one too!}.
{There should be no spaces between em dashes and the words on either side of them, just so’s you know}
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service, the two searches {“search” not “searches”} for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel at 56,000 words {I’m not a romantic suspense writer, but this seems short to me. Is this around the average word count for books in this genre?}. It is told in a dual third person point of view.
Hi there, #43 on the blog hop here. My comments follow in brackets.
ReplyDeleteOn Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper. [Good hook.]
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm–Daniella drags the wrong man inside.
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. [This sentence reads a little awkward. And what is her inappropriate behavior-pulling him inside? Or does she do something worse after that?]But her special day isn’t done with its surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide. [You’ve allude to this in your first paragraph, but I think we need more details as a 25 yo female employed at a law firm doesn’t seem to fit the serial killer profile.]
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for.
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service[reads awkward, especially as the law firm job is mentioned so briefly], the two searches [search?] for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.[nice ending]
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel at 56,000 words.[seems short for the genre] It is told in a dual third person point of view.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Overall, I like the premise and the incident you use to bring them together. I think you need a few more details about how she came to be a suspect and perhaps analyze whether your story is fleshed out in enough detail since your word count is low. This has a lot of potential. Try to emphasize how unique your story is as you add details. Best of luck!
I love your opening paragraph. The second paragraph is great too and gives us a good view into Daniella’s life and into her personality.
ReplyDeleteThe Daniella- Malcolm relationship feels a little cliché. I’d like to see what makes them different from other characters in similar situations.
Also, the homicide aspect took me by surprise. I’d like to know more about why she’s a suspect. Was a strand of her hair found at the scene? Were her fingerprints on the murder weapon? Just a line or two about why she’s the suspect would amp up the tension.
You did a good job establishing the stakes and the conflict in the last paragraph. I also like how it connects to the first paragraph.
Overall, this sounds like a good premise. The voice in the query is good, and I think with a few tweaks you’ll be good to go. Best of luck!
Hi,
ReplyDelete#45 here stopping by. My comments are in {} below:
On Daniella Montgomery’s twenty-fifth birthday, she winds up in jail. {Winds up in jail is kind of passive. I'm wondering if there's a more active way to phrase this. Or you could say somthing like "Daniella Montgomery wasn't planning on spending her twenty-fifth birthday in jail."} And not just because she mistook an officer for a hired stripper.{Sounds like a fun premise.}
When Daniella learns her best friend sent over a stripper {stripper is used right above} to help spice up what should’ve been a relaxing, stress-free birthday, she freaks. In a desperate attempt to keep this event a secret from her next door neighbor –the sophisticated, uptight boss at her law firm {I'm kind of wondering how she lives next door to her boss. Seems like a 25-year old wouldn't live right next door to someone who is sophisticated and old enough to be her boss? Unless she lives with her parents?} –Daniella drags the wrong man inside. {So there's a stripper and a cop on her porch? I'm not quite following.}
Despite the circumstances, the attraction is obvious before her forward actions land her in handcuffs by Atlanta PD’s Detective Malcolm Jones for inappropriate behavior. {The attraction to who? It's not clear. Also, what inappropriate behavior? I think this part could use come clarification.} But her special day isn’t done with its {delete "its"} surprises as evidence points Daniella as the main suspect in a serial homicide.
Detective Jones is caught between his duty and desire for the mesmerizing woman who maybe more trouble than she looks. Though he tries to deny it –set on putting the law before all else –he ultimately finds himself breaking all the rules to save the woman he’s fallen for. {I feel like there should be more info. It seems kind of fast to go from getting pulled inside to the detective breaking all the rules. Does he believe her story and try to track down the real killer? I just think you could add a little more about the plot here.}
Determined to fight for their future after being scorned by the law they both service {serve?}, the two searches {search} for the true killer before Daniella is sentenced to a lifetime of birthdays in jail.{The way this is written it makes it sound like she gets sentenced. I think you mean they have to find the real killer to prove her innocence? I don't think it's clear as written.}
BIRTHDAY DISASTER is an adult romantic suspense novel {and is complete?} at 56,000 words.{It does seem a little short. I think most guidelines look for at least 60k?} It is told in a dual third person point of view.
I think you've got a great premise and the story is intriguing. Your voice is great but I think your query could be tightened up a bit. Good luck!